hearts content.

joy. happiness. warmth. pleasure. gratification.
those are the feelings that settle in after a long day of contentment.

like when you watch the passing cars.
almost feeling what they hold when they pass by.
you're content.
just letting the air swish you where it may.

the moment a smile touches your lips.
when you can't help it.
when it is repressed.

the satisfaction that cross someone else's face.
contentment blossoms.
leaving a deep soothe.

being content is a simple pleasure.
one that requires simple efforts and scattered thoughts.

are you content?
i am content.


the sea.

the sea, it stands between you and me.
slowly kissing the shore.
you breathe, and i take a sigh.
both knowing we wanted more.

you utter something that i can't quite hear.
it slips over the expanse of the sea.
i just wave in a pathetic attempt.
musing over thoughts of what could be.

the mist brushes my face and the salt burns my throat.
dripping down the coast for you.
swaying in and out of the tides.
tonight, let me be one with its blue. 

i try to cross the cresting water to you.
but the current drags me far too deep.
a tear gets swallowed by the sea,
and all i can find to do is weep.

the sea, it will always stand between you and me.
slowly kissing the shore.
you breathe, and i take a sigh.
both knowing we wanted more.



oh you laugh like i'll be there to hold you always
always here
i'm aways here, always here.


temporary goodbye.

i guess it all started the day you left. i knew you had to leave. nothing was going to stop it, and nothing could have prevented it. i had been counting down to that moment for what felt like eons.

i approached your door hesitantly, with tears threatening to sting my eyes. as i rang the doorbell i could hear your heavy feet dragging closer through the glass door frame, until finally it opened.

you stood perfectly there in the doorframe; sleep still across your face. you were in those basketball shorts that i loved so much, and a striped v neck t-shirt. i couldn't get over the fact that your hair was messed up in all the right places. you were still mine for as long as i could hold on to you for.

you pulled me inside and brought me to the couch. you just held me in your arms not speaking, and for the moment i felt safe. i felt as if time froze and that nothing could take you away from me. it was perfect. i tried to burn the memory into my brain to save it for when i really needed it. now that i look back, the memory is a bit jagged at the edges. i can't quite recall the feel of your fingertips dusting my face, or what crooked smile you had plastered on. even though i recognize you in pictures, your face is a bit fuzzy in that burned memory.

as time regained its normal speed it was time for me to go. you looked at me with your dark glazed eyes and i knew it was goodbye. you pressed your lips to mine and it was perfect. your lips were made for mine. it was all too soon when you pulled away. your eyes couldn't quite reach mine as you muttered that you loved me.

i placed my heart in your hands and left. i didn't dare let you see my tears slip. you said our goodbye wouldn't be forever, and i know it won't. you'll come back when the time is right. i don't mind that your gone.

i just mind that it's the last time i was truly loved.
by anyone.


when you can't sleep at night.

"pretty little lady with the swollen eyes, would you show them to me?
i know i'm not perfect, but just stay awhile 
baby, then you will see...

miles away i can still feel you lay your head down on my embrace, my embrace.
far away...

don't give up baby i know that its shaky, just let love consume us."

summer snow.


summer 2012.

things just came easy for us.

we drove with the windows down hand-in-hand; while the sun warmed our skin and the wind whipped my hair. you would blast foster the people through the speakers; so loud that i couldn't quite hear you singing to me.

we stopped at our favorite snow shack like we always did on hot summer days. you were adventurous when it came to snow cones; trying different assortment of flavors every time, while i stuck to my cotton candy syrup.

your lips were icy when you kissed me, and you tasted like tigers blood. those were the kind of sweet kisses that made my head fall into a fuzz.

things were so natural for us. it was like breathing. i was truly happy with you and i wanted a million moments exactly like that one.

things seemed to be flawless before you left.




being used is never pleasurable or desirable. those bruised lips and messy hair never looked good on anyone. you lose a bit of dignity every time...even if it was just kissing.

they were kisses that didn't mean anything to either parties. hungry lips never stopped to ask questions or establish feelings, and after the thrill dies down you feel a bit emptier than you did before. you spill what you have been bottling up onto another person who doesn't matter to you. soon enough it becomes a habit, instead of an act of affection and love.

i miss the kisses that mean something.
i miss the tender ones, and those lingering eyes.

now all i have is these passionless lips and faceless people. they don't care. they're just chasing after their lust. i hate the mutual agreement that goes unacknowledged between these shared glances and easy lips. these lips have gotten me into trouble with myself.

i hate having to pick my pride up off the floor, and i hate the feeling of easiness that accompanies me.

why have i slipped into this habitual coma?
i want to break the cycle that has become my life.

the only person i am hurting is myself. this is where the unashamed conform to guilt and disappointment.




what does it mean to me?
[i dont know]
but i know what it feels like.

i feel disentangled from everyone and everything that surrounds me.
im just floating.
not connected to anything at all.
no meaning.

why do i have to be the one that carries all of this weight?
why do i feel utterly and completely alone?

a wedge has been shoved between all aspects of my life.
im unsure & have become unbalanced.
i could tip over at any moment.

people think that my life is happy.
that i'm happy.
im not.

what does that mean?
its just a word that people fall for.
that people trust in.
just because someone says they're honest doesn't mean they are.

im too numb to cry.
too sick of feeling this way.
and the truth is, i want to cry.
i want to feel any spark at all.
no matter how small.

it's time to make a change.
to take charge.
i'm unashamed.

hello. the unashamed dwell here.

welcome to my little spot on the world wide web.
i am just a girl who is anonymously unashamed.
i hope you enjoy my spewings & ramblings about life.
i will not & can not promise happiness.
there will be raw struggling & tears.
enjoy this uninhibited & unfiltered peek into my life.